NO Title, Just thoughts!

This post has taken me about about 2 weeks to write.  I feel good when I start writing this and then all of a sudden, I start to feel down. I know you may be saying to yourself... You have it all Hannah!  But, truth be know... NO I don't. I am missing a lot. Happiness only comes when everyone is around. When I am alone that is when the sadness creeps in. Don't get me wrong I love living by myself... Laying in the bed watching movies and having my best friend over from time to time to do things with me.  Just something is incomplete.

      Sickness (Graves Disease) has a lot to do with my mentality from time. I just came back from a vacation in the mountains of Tennessee, having that time away allowed me to see Hannah for what she really is.  I am a strong woman, I have a drive about me that I don't know where it comes from. But I am still weak.. I know this is not making much sense. I am me... I am still Ne that everyone has come to love... I just wish I could love me the way that you all love me.



Ne~Boo

WORDS!

Sad, hate, anger and full of doubt...

  Self Hate, Angry at myself, Doubted so much that I Give up..

    Saying I give up, Wanting to give up, I think I've already given up.

      I gave up on myself. Hate, anger worthlessness kicked in... causing me to let go. 

         I'm letting go of friendships, family, but most of all I am letting go of the one person.

            I've let go of the one person that I decided that will be there to keep me afloat, for a lifetime

                                                                                                      

                                                       I LET GO OF ME! 

Ani Ohev Otach (I Love You)

Those are the words that everyone wants to hear at least once in their life.. If not several times from the same person.  I had lunch with and ex today and even tho I know he is and EX for a reason we ended up really talking about what was the fall of our relationship.  The one thing I know was I was still really caught up in only me.. I loved that fact that we were together but at the same time I pretty much labeled everything ME!!  It was MY house, MY 2 cars, MY Bedroom to the point I had him use the guest bedroom to store his clothes and even the bathroom in that room to get ready in.  I had a really hard time, so my best friend Paul said that I was acting as if I really did not want him there... And I think he was right.  


Sometimes in relationships you get to the point where you feel the next level is letting them move in.. That is so not true.. I was happy with it being me and my dog Bratty.  I came and went when I wanted to, did not have to answer to anyone and that changed!!  It was a change I was not ready for and although I have been single for awhile now, It was still good to hear him say Ani Ohev Otach.

 He told me that he was glad that I changed the locks and put his clothes out in the garage because it made him grow up... Who ever thought a 29 year old man would say anything like that?  I was the one that made him grow up.. It made me feel really good and when I see him out on the street or in the clubs I will not be heading for another direction because I was feeling really awkward when he was around.  

I also realize that communication is the key in any relationship if you want it to survive. We had none of that. Our biggest conversations came when we were at home eating dinner and drinking wine or out in the club when one of us were talking to other genders and one of us were not happy about it. (that happened a lot)  I had walked away from a relationship in a really childish manner, when we could have walked away as adults do.we had a lot of problems

  I am glad that he and I had a chance to make it right!   I realize even tho I was not in-love with him, I still love him as a person.  I will never forget him, because he was the one that I had given myself to for the very first time.  At 23 1/2 I lost my virginity and I have no regrets.  I will not be given myself away to anyone else for a very long time.. unless they come out with another book for Fifty Shades Of Grey! That was the book that made me lay it on all the line.... 

So that being said If you love someone, let them know you never know if you will make their day!  It does not have to be I am in~love with you, but just a simple I love you as a friend, I love you because you make me smile!! So many levels of love but one universal way to say it!!  

Your Friendly Blonde Neighborhood,

 Wine~O 

Say Something (I'm Giving up on you)

So much has gone on in my life, I know a lot of people ask the questions why I let trivial things bother me..  I mean I should be the one that should be able to hold things together.  This is not my life anymore, so many things have hit me in the past and I was able to get up and keep running and it would be good for me for a couple of weeks or months.  

I am sure this time I have actually hit ROCK BOTTOM!!  This girl right here has decided that I am going to give up on trusting, attempting to love and also listening to myself when I keep on telling myself  things will eventually work out.  I don't want to do this anymore.

Work, Home, Shower, Shave & Bed, These are going to be a few of my favorite things for awhile, I am not going to open my heart for awhile.  I sit on the bed and think of how I wanted my life to work out and all of a sudden it is like I have woken from a nightmare but yet I am still awake.  I am living this life and I feel I am going nowhere.  I always think at any given time I am going to step into my moms house and see my daddy.. Man do I miss Solomon Kohen or as a lot of his friends called Sol.  I am laughing for the first time in a couple of days just by calling him Sol!!  I miss my daddy so fucking much.. I love my mom but I was a true blue daddies girl and I want him back.  I am truly at this time Trying to "Say Something"(I'm giving up on you)  aka Myself!!!

Crying Out From Heart Break

Blogging has always been away for me to let things out and to just express how I feel from time to time.. I am a happy person most of the time and now I am just lukewarm.   I am more of an out of whack lukewarm..

Today was one of those days that I wanted to hear my daddy's voice, I have not been really living the way I should as his daughter.  I have been mostly just traveling and not worried about my future until a couple of weeks ago when I came back from a trip early because I had a phone call that was related to job I had interviewed for about a month ago.   I came back did what I was suppose to do but really I was going through the motions I know that I cannot live off the land forever.. I am just not that type of girl!

I got to my phone and stared listening to a v/m that my dad had left me when I was living in Ohio for work and as soon as I heard Ne boo!!! I spazzed completely out.. I needed to hear that, what am I talking about I need to hear that everyday.  Then he went on to say "This is your daddy" I used to tell him all the time I know who you are when you call daddy, I do have caller ID!!  but This time I got really excited to hear that.

  

I want to go to sleep and wake up and all this be a dream.. I want to make it all go away.. I want to make him come back.. Yes I am being selfish because Today I really need him.. I want to climb in the bed with him and just hug him and tell him all my troubles,  heartbreaks and aches.. I am so mad that he is gone.. I am so mad he left me...  This world would be a lot easier if he was with me... I seem to think that G-d has this plan for me.. as far as being happy and having a stable future but I must admit I am really reckless with my life right now.. I don't seem to care about what was so important to me once upon a time.

I hate the feelings I get, I hate the mindset I am in, I hate that I am alone.  I hate all of this.  Fuck the wine today give me some Vodka!! 

Daddy, I love you so much, and I miss you even more and I need you right now.... 

Ne~boo

Sometimes.....

Sometimes you feel like a nut, Sometimes you don't!! That is the song that has been stuck into my head for days now.  I don't know how it got there but it has.. How about someone do something or same something really funny to make me laugh, cause it is a long hell bent funk that I have been in.. And you know what?  I always seem to blame the same person for it even tho they had nothing to do with it. That is so pathetic!! Sorry "insert your name here"   

He just text me today to check on me and I snapped like He was the one that bothered me.  Although I was just waiting for someone to say something, and I do mean anyone so that I can give them "I'm FINE" story!  lol  Yeah it is a hot mess! 

Him- hope your doing good, Just checking on ya!
Me- No worries! I'm Fine.

Him- HUGS 

This is when that fucked up Blonde comes out....

Me- I'm pretty much over online again, I'm pretty much over the dark cloud and I also just like being with me..Oh and btw, I'm leaning towards anything other than men!   Hope your life is grand! 

This is when He should have just said.. I will talk to you later.. but being the kind, wonderful and might I add Handsome Lad he is, He was like so whats wrong?  Man As long as he and I have known each other if I was him I would have picked up and said shit my phone is dying, I am driving or anything, yet he sits there and waits for this psycho ass girl to respond!!  Bless His Heart! 

Me-I'm saying, I've done nothing but cry and cry just to really know sometimes you have to go with the flow.  I want to call you and talk but I am scared I will mess up your day or bother you..... (This is code to this bitch is off the deep end... RUN RUN RUN) 

After a lot more banter back and forth, I decided I was in a good mood after he said he will always be there for me so I decided to stop texting and driving because a lot of people get killed like that and I did!! NO Not die, but I stopped texting cause if I did die then he would be sad and thank that it is his fault anyway.. See how a fucked up mind thinks?  Right.. Well you rule and rock as also.. and you better bet your handsome ass of yours, I am so gonna be there when you have a meltdown also, Although I hope it is not during a University of Kentucky basketball game!!  lol  

See, I am calm now.. just a couple glasses of wine and a great friend later.. I am feeling good!  IN more ways then one~~

Wine~gurl 

Shade # 2...and some Thanks to my Cyber Family!

I have been saying for a very long time I needed to blog, well here the Hell I am and I only have a couple of things to say.   I sleep forever now, I have decided that I was going to give this everything I have to get out of school by March and actually graduate.  I am doing that but it is costing me 8 hrs a day to get it done.  (like I have a job or something that keeps me busy)


I am in a crunch so to say..... I have a shade that has not been lifted and I don't know if it will be lifted.  (Have you ever loved someone so much that it seems that even tho you do not have them you still cannot let them go?)  (Don't you lie to me)  I do, I do, I do!! But I am like moving on so that counts for something right?  I have woke up many nights covered in sweat wondering what in the hell I was dreaming about?  Well Damn it I think I know what it was and it was not exercising!

Anyway I lifted another Shade for you, that I never thought I would ever admit, and I tell you tho it is wrong it feels so good... (NO NOT THAT)!  I am talking about letting it go out of my mind and telling you my little secret!! Jay if  you are reading this all I have to say is I know your train of thought that is why I have to make sure I clarify myself!  hahah!!  To all you other people out there that is smiling cause you have seen "NE" go from 17 all the way to 23 and she is getting a little more naughty.. YOU should be proud I learned it all from you! lol YEP EACH AND EVERYONE YOU HAVE HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH MY UP BRINGING... ALL I WANT TO KNOW.... HAVE I MADE YOU PROUD?   hahahhahah


2 Shades lifted.... damn I need to blog more.. I feel so empowered!

H.