Crying Out From Heart Break

Blogging has always been away for me to let things out and to just express how I feel from time to time.. I am a happy person most of the time and now I am just lukewarm.   I am more of an out of whack lukewarm..

Today was one of those days that I wanted to hear my daddy's voice, I have not been really living the way I should as his daughter.  I have been mostly just traveling and not worried about my future until a couple of weeks ago when I came back from a trip early because I had a phone call that was related to job I had interviewed for about a month ago.   I came back did what I was suppose to do but really I was going through the motions I know that I cannot live off the land forever.. I am just not that type of girl!

I got to my phone and stared listening to a v/m that my dad had left me when I was living in Ohio for work and as soon as I heard Ne boo!!! I spazzed completely out.. I needed to hear that, what am I talking about I need to hear that everyday.  Then he went on to say "This is your daddy" I used to tell him all the time I know who you are when you call daddy, I do have caller ID!!  but This time I got really excited to hear that.

  

I want to go to sleep and wake up and all this be a dream.. I want to make it all go away.. I want to make him come back.. Yes I am being selfish because Today I really need him.. I want to climb in the bed with him and just hug him and tell him all my troubles,  heartbreaks and aches.. I am so mad that he is gone.. I am so mad he left me...  This world would be a lot easier if he was with me... I seem to think that G-d has this plan for me.. as far as being happy and having a stable future but I must admit I am really reckless with my life right now.. I don't seem to care about what was so important to me once upon a time.

I hate the feelings I get, I hate the mindset I am in, I hate that I am alone.  I hate all of this.  Fuck the wine today give me some Vodka!! 

Daddy, I love you so much, and I miss you even more and I need you right now.... 

Ne~boo

Sometimes.....

Sometimes you feel like a nut, Sometimes you don't!! That is the song that has been stuck into my head for days now.  I don't know how it got there but it has.. How about someone do something or same something really funny to make me laugh, cause it is a long hell bent funk that I have been in.. And you know what?  I always seem to blame the same person for it even tho they had nothing to do with it. That is so pathetic!! Sorry "insert your name here"   

He just text me today to check on me and I snapped like He was the one that bothered me.  Although I was just waiting for someone to say something, and I do mean anyone so that I can give them "I'm FINE" story!  lol  Yeah it is a hot mess! 

Him- hope your doing good, Just checking on ya!
Me- No worries! I'm Fine.

Him- HUGS 

This is when that fucked up Blonde comes out....

Me- I'm pretty much over online again, I'm pretty much over the dark cloud and I also just like being with me..Oh and btw, I'm leaning towards anything other than men!   Hope your life is grand! 

This is when He should have just said.. I will talk to you later.. but being the kind, wonderful and might I add Handsome Lad he is, He was like so whats wrong?  Man As long as he and I have known each other if I was him I would have picked up and said shit my phone is dying, I am driving or anything, yet he sits there and waits for this psycho ass girl to respond!!  Bless His Heart! 

Me-I'm saying, I've done nothing but cry and cry just to really know sometimes you have to go with the flow.  I want to call you and talk but I am scared I will mess up your day or bother you..... (This is code to this bitch is off the deep end... RUN RUN RUN) 

After a lot more banter back and forth, I decided I was in a good mood after he said he will always be there for me so I decided to stop texting and driving because a lot of people get killed like that and I did!! NO Not die, but I stopped texting cause if I did die then he would be sad and thank that it is his fault anyway.. See how a fucked up mind thinks?  Right.. Well you rule and rock as also.. and you better bet your handsome ass of yours, I am so gonna be there when you have a meltdown also, Although I hope it is not during a University of Kentucky basketball game!!  lol  

See, I am calm now.. just a couple glasses of wine and a great friend later.. I am feeling good!  IN more ways then one~~

Wine~gurl 

Shade # 2...and some Thanks to my Cyber Family!

I have been saying for a very long time I needed to blog, well here the Hell I am and I only have a couple of things to say.   I sleep forever now, I have decided that I was going to give this everything I have to get out of school by March and actually graduate.  I am doing that but it is costing me 8 hrs a day to get it done.  (like I have a job or something that keeps me busy)


I am in a crunch so to say..... I have a shade that has not been lifted and I don't know if it will be lifted.  (Have you ever loved someone so much that it seems that even tho you do not have them you still cannot let them go?)  (Don't you lie to me)  I do, I do, I do!! But I am like moving on so that counts for something right?  I have woke up many nights covered in sweat wondering what in the hell I was dreaming about?  Well Damn it I think I know what it was and it was not exercising!

Anyway I lifted another Shade for you, that I never thought I would ever admit, and I tell you tho it is wrong it feels so good... (NO NOT THAT)!  I am talking about letting it go out of my mind and telling you my little secret!! Jay if  you are reading this all I have to say is I know your train of thought that is why I have to make sure I clarify myself!  hahah!!  To all you other people out there that is smiling cause you have seen "NE" go from 17 all the way to 23 and she is getting a little more naughty.. YOU should be proud I learned it all from you! lol YEP EACH AND EVERYONE YOU HAVE HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH MY UP BRINGING... ALL I WANT TO KNOW.... HAVE I MADE YOU PROUD?   hahahhahah


2 Shades lifted.... damn I need to blog more.. I feel so empowered!

H.

Dreaming.... One Shade of Hannah lifted!

Scared of the unknown...but pretending that commitment is not a factor at all.  hmmm commitment is nothing bad it just seemed like that to me.

Seemed like I was submitting to something that well,  I thought I would never live up to! 

Intertwining of the body, torso to torso..  A thrust up and down numerous amounts of time. A sigh let out.  then I reach for my wine and I collect my thoughts....only after a couple more sips did I realize that my mind is letting me know the one thing I feared was the one thing that held my mind captive. Now that is all I want... To let my body be captivated by the one thing that  felt so wrong... but feels sooo good!! hmmmm, never keep yourself a secret keep on finding you and pulling back one shade at a time..

Wine~o

XOXOXOXO

The Girl Next Door???

So yeah I am back again, and I just would like to take the time to say I love writing now, I don't care who is reading or who is giving comments I am writing for my betterment.. Which leads me to say that I am trying to discover ME,  Well "The Fifty Shades of Hannah"   Through this, all I can say I am really doing a great job of finding myself.. Well, what was there and I never utilized it.. lol  

So what I am saying is I have left the age old thought behind of nice, sweet and intelligent girls finishing last.  I have decided that I rock.  NO MATTER WHAT!!  Anyway I have decided to lift the shades one at a time... I have changed so much.. Instead of a bucket list I am going to have a Shades list What It is that I would like to lift and show myself as well as you all what lies beneath a certain shade!!  Gosh don't let me ummmmm reveal something that will shock me more than you!  

I will be getting these together and know that my Shades are prolly going to disturb some of you all since you have this picture of "The Girl Next Door" 

Wine~o
xoxoxoxoxoxo

Yeah Its Me!

Well as you can see, I have not been back but you better bet your bottom dollar that I have still been drinking my wine!!  Whatever gets you through the day is what makes you a happy go lucky kinda person!!  NO NO NO! I am not an alcoholic I am just a girl that feels she deserves some wine from time to time. 


So what have I been doing since I have been away??? I really don't know.. To fill you in on one thing.. I don't have a job.. don't worry peeps it is by choice, I felt like I needed to get some me time (like I don't already have enough) but, I really did need it.. I am still in school and looks like I am going to be having another degree before too long... HELLS YEAH!!!   


So what you all think about The Fifty Shades Of Grey??  If you have not read it, you need to be put over my knee and spanked.. It was the best 3 days of my life reading that book! It made me want to venture in the world of .. Oh well lets not jump the gun to much, just know there is really something out there and it is called "Kinky~Fuckery" I did not say that.. Christian Grey in the book called it that.. but I will say.. while I am signing off.......YOU HEARD IT HERE FOLKS!!   There is such thing of KINKY~ Fuckery don't ask me how, just know that I KNOW!!!    NOW wheres my glass of wine!!

XOXOXOXO
Wine~o

I need a bottle, or 2!!!

Today, was one of those days I wish I could have been like "Piper" in Charmed and froze everyone that was sitting at the table in the meeting room and then blinked my eyes and a bottle of wine appeared!

I know It was early morning, but when you are in a evaluation the only thing that comes to your mind is Did I do things right? are they going to say I need to do better? Today was just a day when everything came out good in the evaluation, except I need to be a little more mean and show some tough love to the patients instead of letting them get by.  OMGOSH!! This is not the first time that I have heard this from my bosses, they all say I am too nice and I need to toughen up a little.  All I can say is.......

I want a bottle of wine I can hold on too for safe keeping and even if I cannot drink while at work at least I know it is there and I can just look at it, so it can let me know that I can have it as soon as walk at the door.  Like when you wake up in the morning, the first thing I fix is coffee and then began taking my shower and getting ready because I know when it is all said and done, I am going to have me a big cup of Java!!   And MY WINE, is my end of day coffee!! GOT IT??? I just want it in the middle of the day also!!

So I am not going to worry about work or anything, I am just going to wake up to Coffee and Go to bed To WINE!!  OH HELL YEAH!!!!!

Love to all,

The Wine~o!