NO Title, Just thoughts!

This post has taken me about about 2 weeks to write.  I feel good when I start writing this and then all of a sudden, I start to feel down. I know you may be saying to yourself... You have it all Hannah!  But, truth be know... NO I don't. I am missing a lot. Happiness only comes when everyone is around. When I am alone that is when the sadness creeps in. Don't get me wrong I love living by myself... Laying in the bed watching movies and having my best friend over from time to time to do things with me.  Just something is incomplete.

      Sickness (Graves Disease) has a lot to do with my mentality from time. I just came back from a vacation in the mountains of Tennessee, having that time away allowed me to see Hannah for what she really is.  I am a strong woman, I have a drive about me that I don't know where it comes from. But I am still weak.. I know this is not making much sense. I am me... I am still Ne that everyone has come to love... I just wish I could love me the way that you all love me.



Ne~Boo

WORDS!

Sad, hate, anger and full of doubt...

  Self Hate, Angry at myself, Doubted so much that I Give up..

    Saying I give up, Wanting to give up, I think I've already given up.

      I gave up on myself. Hate, anger worthlessness kicked in... causing me to let go. 

         I'm letting go of friendships, family, but most of all I am letting go of the one person.

            I've let go of the one person that I decided that will be there to keep me afloat, for a lifetime

                                                                                                      

                                                       I LET GO OF ME! 

Ani Ohev Otach (I Love You)

Those are the words that everyone wants to hear at least once in their life.. If not several times from the same person.  I had lunch with and ex today and even tho I know he is and EX for a reason we ended up really talking about what was the fall of our relationship.  The one thing I know was I was still really caught up in only me.. I loved that fact that we were together but at the same time I pretty much labeled everything ME!!  It was MY house, MY 2 cars, MY Bedroom to the point I had him use the guest bedroom to store his clothes and even the bathroom in that room to get ready in.  I had a really hard time, so my best friend Paul said that I was acting as if I really did not want him there... And I think he was right.  


Sometimes in relationships you get to the point where you feel the next level is letting them move in.. That is so not true.. I was happy with it being me and my dog Bratty.  I came and went when I wanted to, did not have to answer to anyone and that changed!!  It was a change I was not ready for and although I have been single for awhile now, It was still good to hear him say Ani Ohev Otach.

 He told me that he was glad that I changed the locks and put his clothes out in the garage because it made him grow up... Who ever thought a 29 year old man would say anything like that?  I was the one that made him grow up.. It made me feel really good and when I see him out on the street or in the clubs I will not be heading for another direction because I was feeling really awkward when he was around.  

I also realize that communication is the key in any relationship if you want it to survive. We had none of that. Our biggest conversations came when we were at home eating dinner and drinking wine or out in the club when one of us were talking to other genders and one of us were not happy about it. (that happened a lot)  I had walked away from a relationship in a really childish manner, when we could have walked away as adults do.we had a lot of problems

  I am glad that he and I had a chance to make it right!   I realize even tho I was not in-love with him, I still love him as a person.  I will never forget him, because he was the one that I had given myself to for the very first time.  At 23 1/2 I lost my virginity and I have no regrets.  I will not be given myself away to anyone else for a very long time.. unless they come out with another book for Fifty Shades Of Grey! That was the book that made me lay it on all the line.... 

So that being said If you love someone, let them know you never know if you will make their day!  It does not have to be I am in~love with you, but just a simple I love you as a friend, I love you because you make me smile!! So many levels of love but one universal way to say it!!  

Your Friendly Blonde Neighborhood,

 Wine~O