Say Something (I'm Giving up on you)

So much has gone on in my life, I know a lot of people ask the questions why I let trivial things bother me..  I mean I should be the one that should be able to hold things together.  This is not my life anymore, so many things have hit me in the past and I was able to get up and keep running and it would be good for me for a couple of weeks or months.  

I am sure this time I have actually hit ROCK BOTTOM!!  This girl right here has decided that I am going to give up on trusting, attempting to love and also listening to myself when I keep on telling myself  things will eventually work out.  I don't want to do this anymore.

Work, Home, Shower, Shave & Bed, These are going to be a few of my favorite things for awhile, I am not going to open my heart for awhile.  I sit on the bed and think of how I wanted my life to work out and all of a sudden it is like I have woken from a nightmare but yet I am still awake.  I am living this life and I feel I am going nowhere.  I always think at any given time I am going to step into my moms house and see my daddy.. Man do I miss Solomon Kohen or as a lot of his friends called Sol.  I am laughing for the first time in a couple of days just by calling him Sol!!  I miss my daddy so fucking much.. I love my mom but I was a true blue daddies girl and I want him back.  I am truly at this time Trying to "Say Something"(I'm giving up on you)  aka Myself!!!

Crying Out From Heart Break

Blogging has always been away for me to let things out and to just express how I feel from time to time.. I am a happy person most of the time and now I am just lukewarm.   I am more of an out of whack lukewarm..

Today was one of those days that I wanted to hear my daddy's voice, I have not been really living the way I should as his daughter.  I have been mostly just traveling and not worried about my future until a couple of weeks ago when I came back from a trip early because I had a phone call that was related to job I had interviewed for about a month ago.   I came back did what I was suppose to do but really I was going through the motions I know that I cannot live off the land forever.. I am just not that type of girl!

I got to my phone and stared listening to a v/m that my dad had left me when I was living in Ohio for work and as soon as I heard Ne boo!!! I spazzed completely out.. I needed to hear that, what am I talking about I need to hear that everyday.  Then he went on to say "This is your daddy" I used to tell him all the time I know who you are when you call daddy, I do have caller ID!!  but This time I got really excited to hear that.

  

I want to go to sleep and wake up and all this be a dream.. I want to make it all go away.. I want to make him come back.. Yes I am being selfish because Today I really need him.. I want to climb in the bed with him and just hug him and tell him all my troubles,  heartbreaks and aches.. I am so mad that he is gone.. I am so mad he left me...  This world would be a lot easier if he was with me... I seem to think that G-d has this plan for me.. as far as being happy and having a stable future but I must admit I am really reckless with my life right now.. I don't seem to care about what was so important to me once upon a time.

I hate the feelings I get, I hate the mindset I am in, I hate that I am alone.  I hate all of this.  Fuck the wine today give me some Vodka!! 

Daddy, I love you so much, and I miss you even more and I need you right now.... 

Ne~boo

Sometimes.....

Sometimes you feel like a nut, Sometimes you don't!! That is the song that has been stuck into my head for days now.  I don't know how it got there but it has.. How about someone do something or same something really funny to make me laugh, cause it is a long hell bent funk that I have been in.. And you know what?  I always seem to blame the same person for it even tho they had nothing to do with it. That is so pathetic!! Sorry "insert your name here"   

He just text me today to check on me and I snapped like He was the one that bothered me.  Although I was just waiting for someone to say something, and I do mean anyone so that I can give them "I'm FINE" story!  lol  Yeah it is a hot mess! 

Him- hope your doing good, Just checking on ya!
Me- No worries! I'm Fine.

Him- HUGS 

This is when that fucked up Blonde comes out....

Me- I'm pretty much over online again, I'm pretty much over the dark cloud and I also just like being with me..Oh and btw, I'm leaning towards anything other than men!   Hope your life is grand! 

This is when He should have just said.. I will talk to you later.. but being the kind, wonderful and might I add Handsome Lad he is, He was like so whats wrong?  Man As long as he and I have known each other if I was him I would have picked up and said shit my phone is dying, I am driving or anything, yet he sits there and waits for this psycho ass girl to respond!!  Bless His Heart! 

Me-I'm saying, I've done nothing but cry and cry just to really know sometimes you have to go with the flow.  I want to call you and talk but I am scared I will mess up your day or bother you..... (This is code to this bitch is off the deep end... RUN RUN RUN) 

After a lot more banter back and forth, I decided I was in a good mood after he said he will always be there for me so I decided to stop texting and driving because a lot of people get killed like that and I did!! NO Not die, but I stopped texting cause if I did die then he would be sad and thank that it is his fault anyway.. See how a fucked up mind thinks?  Right.. Well you rule and rock as also.. and you better bet your handsome ass of yours, I am so gonna be there when you have a meltdown also, Although I hope it is not during a University of Kentucky basketball game!!  lol  

See, I am calm now.. just a couple glasses of wine and a great friend later.. I am feeling good!  IN more ways then one~~

Wine~gurl