Thursday, October 17, 2013

Crying Out From Heart Break

Blogging has always been away for me to let things out and to just express how I feel from time to time.. I am a happy person most of the time and now I am just lukewarm.   I am more of an out of whack lukewarm..

Today was one of those days that I wanted to hear my daddy's voice, I have not been really living the way I should as his daughter.  I have been mostly just traveling and not worried about my future until a couple of weeks ago when I came back from a trip early because I had a phone call that was related to job I had interviewed for about a month ago.   I came back did what I was suppose to do but really I was going through the motions I know that I cannot live off the land forever.. I am just not that type of girl!


I got to my phone and stared listening to a v/m that my dad had left me when I was living in Ohio for work and as soon as I heard Ne boo!!! I spazzed completely out.. I needed to hear that, what am I talking about I need to hear that everyday.  Then he went on to say "This is your daddy" I used to tell him all the time I know who you are when you call daddy, I do have caller ID!!  but This time I got really excited to hear that.

  
I want to go to sleep and wake up and all this be a dream.. I want to make it all go away.. I want to make him come back.. Yes I am being selfish because Today I really need him.. I want to climb in the bed with him and just hug him and tell him all my troubles,  heartbreaks and aches.. I am so mad that he is gone.. I am so mad he left me...  This world would be a lot easier if he was with me... I seem to think that G-d has this plan for me.. as far as being happy and having a stable future but I must admit I am really reckless with my life right now.. I don't seem to care about what was so important to me once upon a time.

I hate the feelings I get, I hate the mindset I am in, I hate that I am alone.  I hate all of this.  Fuck the wine today give me some Vodka!! 

Daddy, I love you so much, and I miss you even more and I need you right now.... 

Ne~boo

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